Piety, Pain and PTSD

This is a bit of a diversion from what we hope will be our usual content, but the message is important.

Piety, Pain, and PTSD

Many neopagan traditions are more focused on orthopraxy than on orthodoxy. This means that right action is more important than right belief. Piety is all about right action. Piety can be defined as "correct observance of ritual and social traditions; the maintenance of the agreements, both personal and societal, that we humans have with the Gods and Spirits. Keeping the Old Ways, through ceremony and duty."* Observance of the High Days, and establishing a meaningful personal practice is a big part of this. That can be a hard thing to do under the best of circumstances. Now, imagine trying to do it while living with a chronic illness. This is the reality that I, and many others, live with every day.

One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn while living with a chronic illness is that sometimes, I'm just not going to be well enough to do the things that I want to do, even if those things are normally relatively simple. My daily routine involves a devotional period before I head to bed at night, and if I'm at work and out in the community as the sun sets I'll take a couple minutes for silent prayer just as the city falls into full darkness. The sunset devotional I never have trouble getting done... it only happens as a break in my work day. The bedtime devotional, on the other hand, can be pretty problematic. After working all day, it's not uncommon for me to not have the energy to do much of anything once I get home. Some days, I'm in so much pain by the time that I get home that I will crawl in bed and literally pray to be able to just fall asleep. It's on days like this that I first started running in to issues with pain and piety.

Pain alone can be incredibly draining. When my pain level is particularly high, sometimes it's hard to think. It's hard to reason through much of anything. It's hard to *do* much of anything. Pain can also make it very hard to get up in the morning, and I've never been successful at maintaining a morning devotional practice. Think about a time when you had a bad case of the flu. You know the general aches and pains that you had when you were sick? That's as good an example as I can think of of the pain that I live with every day.

Chronic pain effects your entire body. It can cause mobility problems. When it hurts to move, it's hard to enjoy activities that require a lot of motion. It's hard to get enough sleep, so you are missing out on restorative sleep a lot of the time. The sleep disturbance can lead to an increase in depression, lower energy levels and it can cause memory problems. Depression is a big problem for chronic pain sufferers. Sometimes, the depression is a symptom and sometimes it's a result, and sometimes it's both! It can be incredibly frustrating to deal with the daily realities of chronic pain.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also presents some interesting challenges as far as piety. Sometimes all that it takes to push me over the edge into panic attacks, or flashbacks is a poorly timed word, a stray image, a word on a page, or even just a conversation with a friend that shouldn't be triggering. Imagine the worst experience of your life. Now, imagine being forced to repeatedly relive that event in full, graphic detail, even feeling the physical sensations that you felt during that event. This is one of the many realities of PTSD. Another challenge that it presents is dissociation. Dissociation is probably best described as "spacing out". It's a defense mechanism in which you've learned to "go somewhere else" to protect yourself from having to fully experience trauma. This may seem peaceful at first glance, but it's actually incredibly stressful. Dissociation also effects your entire body, and the physiological symptoms of extreme dissociation can be devestating. It exhausts the entire body; your nervous system, all of your organs, everything. To cite an example that a friend pointed out, dissociation is the same reflex that causes animals to "freeze" when they experience intense fear, and sometimes the animal doesn't survive the experience.

Between all of these problems, sometimes it's a wonder that I manage to get anything done. One thing that I have had a hard time learning is that sometimes piety isn't so much about the big actions, as it is about desire and intent. I usually desire to devote, but just don't have the stamina or focus, or I'm so dissociated that I'm too "out of it" to do the full daily rite that I would like to do. If I'm being honest, though, sometimes the desire isn't there. In these cases, I've really learned the truth of "faith follows action". The key to remember in this case is that it isn't necessarily about the big actions, it's about acting in the first place. I've had to learn that sometimes, all I am going to be able to do is say a few prayers, and that's okay. High Days are also difficult. Three Cranes is a three hour drive from home for me, and I'm not always up to making that drive. In the past, sometimes the only recognition I've been able to give to the High Days is a prayer and a general offering to all of the Kindreds, and sometimes the only offering I've been able to make is the effort that it took.

No one is perfect, and no one is going to be able to do everything that they want to do all of the time. It may be a bit more extreme for someone living with chronic illnesses, but I think the lessons that can be learned here are universal. The lesson to take home here is this; Piety doesn't have to be about the big actions, sometimes it's just doing the best that you can and the willingness to make the effort.


*ADF Dedicant's Manual, page 15